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Family Dispute Resolution is a non-adversarial way of resolving arguments and conflicts that arise in family disputes without involving authorities such as the court system. It can be used to resolve many types of dispute provided the nature of the conflict does not break the boundaries of the law. Conflict can happen when family members have different views or beliefs that clash. Sometimes conflict can occur when people misunderstand each other and jump to the wrong conclusion. Issues of conflict that are not resolved peacefully can lead to arguments and resentment.
It is normal to disagree with each other from time to time. Occasional conflict is part of family life. However, ongoing conflict can be stressful and damaging to relationships. Some people find it difficult to manage their feelings and become intentionally hurtful, aggressive or even violent.
Communicating in a positive way can help reduce conflict so that family members can reach a peaceful resolution. This usually means that everyone agrees to a compromise or agrees to disagree.
Sometimes, strong emotions or the power imbalances that can be present in relationships are difficult to resolve and can only be addressed in a counselling situation.
It is well recognised that some of the stages a family goes through can cause conflict. These may include:
Each of these stages can create new and different stresses and potential conflict. Changes in the family situation can also take a toll on the family and contribute to conflict. This may include events such as:
Families get into conflict over many different topics. Here are some examples:
Issues can escalate if disagreements become intractable and other family members take sides or fuel the dispute behind the scenes. The sooner the parties realise they are in a dispute the earlier they can begin to resolve the problems.
There are many things you can try yourself but if these things don't work, it is wise to get support from someone who can help you work through the issues.
It is not always necessary to bring everyone to a meeting. Sometimes working through it yourself with professional help can enable you to find solutions you hadn't thought of. Sometimes a dispute needs a legal ruling, such as child contact in families where there has been a history of violence and even then the legal ruling will not solve the conflict. It will just create an order which must be carried out by law and there may be residual resentment.
Sometimes the parties really do want to sort it out but they have exhausted everything they know how to do and in those cases getting support from a suitably qualified and experienced mediator can unlock the problem and help everyone find a way forward.
Fortunately, you can solve arguments in a number of ways without becoming angry and destructive. Remember that, despite your differences, you love and respect each other. The viewpoints of everyone in the family are worth hearing and need to be acknowledged.
The first step is for each family member to do his or her best to listen carefully to the others. Calmly try to clarify the differences in the argument, taking the time to say, "I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean-?"
Define the conflict and frame it so that it's you and your partner or family vs. the problem, not you against your partner or children.
Once you understand the problem, you can start to work on a compromise that benefits everyone involved. People with jobs in conflict resolution call this a "win/win" solution, an agreement in which everyone is a victor.
If a problem bubbles up, make sure to get it resolved right away rather than letting it fester. Many couples, especially those with young children, may use their kids as an excuse for not resolving their problems with each other. They reason that the kids take up too much time and that they don't need to focus on their relationship. This is untrue and can lead to problems down the road. Don't let an unresolved conflict be a roadblock in your marriage or relationship.
Above all, avoid criticizing, being defensive, stonewalling, and acting with contempt. These are behaviors so dangerous that they are considered serious threats to marriage.
If a fight has grown too intense, it might be appropriate to take a time-out. Don't forget about the argument entirely. Try to revisit this issue once everyone is calmer, when you're in a better frame of mind to reach an agreement that meets all needs.
If you handle marital conflicts constructively, you give your kids a model for a healthy way to handle their own conflicts.
Kids may not yet be able to control their emotions, so physical outbursts are common. As a parent, you may need to intervene and tell your children calmly what you see. "It looks like you were angry that Billy took your toy, so you tried to hit him. What could you do to make him feel better?" This will give kids a way to talk about their feelings. Explain that it's OK to be angry, but that they can't hit. Experts advise never hitting, shaking, or spanking your children, or they'll think that is an acceptable way to solve conflicts.
It's also important to praise children when they are being helpful and cooperative. As they get older, you can create "natural consequences" for negative actions, like a loss of privileges, so they can learn appropriate ways to resolve their conflicts with their friends and siblings.
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